When you’re not on the same page about discipline
My son, Joshua, walked into the room crying a few weeks ago. Not happy with the punishment dished out by dad. He was crying, so I tried to comfort him (big NO NO I know!). I asked what the nature of the offence was and he told me that he and his sister had been fighting and and and…. I then asked my husband what Addison’s punishment was, as earlier she was guilty of the same offence. He stared at me blankly.
What transpired was us then arguing (in a very non-constructive way) for about half an hour about what I felt was fair vs what he felt was fair. I went to bed upset, and it got me thinking: How in almost 12 years of marriage and almost 9yrs of being parents, have we not really discussed discipline in our household? Mind boggling stuff!
It actually turns out that we have VERY different views on how the kids should be punished. This is further complicated by the fact that the kids are different ages and we have a girl and boys. So where I would say, but at age 5 with Addison this is what happened and he would counter with ‘but Adam is 2’……. We literally got nowhere. I realised that I need to sit down with my husband and we actually need to come up with a set discipline strategy….one we both agree on.
This discipline topic has so many different layers and sub topics though!
1. Proverbs 13:24
Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. Everybody knows this one right? The Bible tells us that our kids need discipline. Is the use of the word ‘rod’ literal? I am sure some rod-wielding parents out there definitely cling to this scripture. I do believe in discipline, not with a rod in my home per se, but discipline of some sort. This mom does not want to raise ill-mannered kids.
2. The old-school opinion
I come from a time where there really was only ONE punishment. A good bloody hiding. My parents did not differentiate between the sexes, my hiding could be just as swift as my brother’s. #EqualRights and all right? The argument from the old schoolers is that: ‘hey, we turned out okay!’.
3. The 5 love languages
According to the experts, knowing your child’s love language can make a huge difference in how you parent them, and in turn, discipline them. Do I need to have different discipline strategies for EACH kid based on their love language? I need the ‘love experts’ from Frozen to help me out here then….
4. Girls vs boys
Some people may believe boys can be treated differently to boys. Take the boy’s Xbox away, but give the girl a nice talking to. Spank the boy, send the girl to her room. Heck no, beat both of them, no differentiation. Tough love. What’s a mom to do???
5. Gentle parenting
‘Parents who practice positive discipline or gentle parenting use neither rewards nor punishments to encourage their children to behave.’
I can’t even, but go and read up on it if you want to. See me be gentle when Adam is destroying yet another one of my makeup items. Ain’t going to happen…..mama is going to go old-school on his ass! Okay, not really…lol. I do believe they are material possessions, so I actually for the most part, let the makeup destruction slide. Maybe why he continues to destroy my stuff? The kid thinks I’m cool with it….hmmmm
6. Age differences
My kids are 2, 5 and 8. My 2yr old is a kid that keeps us on our toes. Whereas the other 2 at the same age, we never had to think about discipline. We’ve tried talking, showing him better behaviour, screaming, and and and….nothing works. So the challenge continues as we cannot speak to him and reason with him at his age.
This is just a ramble post. I don’t have the answer on what the best and most appropriate method is. I think I wanted to try to educate myself by sharing what’s been going on in my head. These are some tips that I found online:
- Guide your discipline techniques to fit well with your child’s temperament.
- Communicate your discipline plan. (To those who can understand)
- Be respectful of your child. (No rod me thinks)
- Be consistent. (I think this is very important)
- When it’s done, it’s done.
- Understand what’s appropriate for your child’s development. (The age thing)
- Give yourself a break.
Number 7 is key…we are going to screw up, lose our shit, be too nice, be too angry, we’ll let it go to keep the peace….but in the end, we’re just trying to raise decent human beings. Well that’s my goal… kind, respectful human beings. Who hopefully will not still be throwing tantrums at the age of 20 😉
Let me know what works in your house please! I’m really keen to hear your thoughts. Maybe you’ve got all your stuff together and you can help this mama do better by her kids. Are you and your spouse on the same page when it comes to discipline?
10 Comments
Venean
I absolutely love this post! It’s so true, my husband and I are also different it possibly what made us fall in love in the first place. And I often feel that he doesn’t understand what Emilie is going through at this age – there is sooooo much. I don’t know what boys go through and would then expect him to take the lead when Daniel is of age. But I do know that, the voice you constantly hear is what becomes the one in your head. So positive affirmations even through discipline is what I aim for. Because kids have enough negativity about themselves going around. Home needs to be a safe space where they get to do, the things they need to do to learn the rights and wrongs. That’s just me. It’s something we could all talk about forever. Very thought provoking! xx
Simone
I know it really is a topic we can discuss for ever! I don’t think there’s a wrong and a right way to do things…. but obviously we want to do the best we can when it comes to our kids.
With is also, I find I can discipline Addison easier than I can the boys….and then Gerard again can discipline the boys easier than he can Addison. lol. So there’s that too…..
Melissa Javan
I’m a bit stuck on this. Don’t like the rod because my kid seems to do as I do – I feel like she will hit the kids at school – she has hit me too. But I have done the rod thing – how do you get a toddler to listen? How?
Simone
Exact same with my youngest. If we whack him, he thinks he can whack us back. This also applies to my 1yr old nephews now…if he sees them doing something wrong, he runs to them to whack them. So we have to be so careful of the message we send….Oi.
I think the rod is necessary at times (and by rod I mean my hand usually…lol) but, with Josh (my middle child) I just had to (and still) can count to 3 and he knew…he would stop whatever he was doing. This rascal will literally look at us and continue doing what he must not. So different temperaments come into play of course.
When you have the right balance…please let me know! ha ha
Momoftwolittlegirls
Great post … I struggle with this as well. I tend to shout and scream a lot but my girls take very little notice of me. My husband just has to raise his voice once and they jump. It’s due to our approach, delivery & following through. But let’s be honest, if you are the one doing 95% of the parenting, then eventually you will wear yourself out and become ineffective. That said, back-up & support between parents is essential. Kids are too sneaky otherwise! ????
Simone
Same…one day I’m the screamer, the next day hubby is. We’re not really consistent. lol. So we have ourselves to blame.
I agree, in your case, with hubby being away a lot….I’d pick my battles.
So darn sneaky…ha ha
Thanks for stopping by. xxx
Melanie
You are a genius my friend. Loved this post, even we do not have kids yet, this made me think. A very well written post.
Simone
Thank you for reading my friend! Appreciate it <3
DONNA
a bit late but im catching up on posts i missed last year.. i loved this very thought provoking post my friend and it is really a topic we chat about forever. we all just want to raise well mannered kids and everyone has a different way of how htey discipline their kids.
us being old school we knew a hiding was enough to let us know we’ll never commit that specific offense again. I must admit i used to be a screamer.. but over the years ive learnt a calm voice and kneeling down to my childs level has helped alot…with our 7 year old nehara .. needless to say with my 1 year 4 month old Shylah the disciplinary action will have to be tweaked a bit as with your kids. nehara at the same age shylah is now would listen more whereas SHylah will show me she is going to go ahead and just do it and still look me straight dead in the eyes lol
loved this post.. alot
Simone
Lol at Shylah! Adam laughs at us and runs away! I feel you!!