Why I’ll probably be declining your party invitation…..
#MomLife typically includes attending many many kids parties! Once my daughter got her first party invitation….at 2 weeks old, I was determined to attend them all. No matter how many a day…we attended! If you’re a reader of my blog, you know I am all about the party life! Also, gifts….I love buying gifts, so yay for parties! 
The evolution….
First child
When my daughter started ‘big school’, I quickly learnt (from other moms) that the number of invitations you receive can be a sign of status. I personally don’t mind my children being excluded (unless it hurts them, but my kids are not that way inclined), especially not after the conclusion of this post. We accepted probably every single Gr. Pre-R, Gr. R and Gr. 1 invitation. Not for status….but for Addison. Girl parties, boy parties…didn’t matter, we’d accept them all! Some days we had THREE parties on the same day! I always ended my weekends feeling cheated and tired……
Second child
So the thing with having 2 kids is that usually, not both of them are invited to the same party. When my son was 6 months old, my husband started a very travel intensive job. He would be away for a week at a time and only return home Friday evening. I don’t cope without him, so when only 1 child had a party, this would mean weekends my husband and I would be seperated AGAIN as he would be with one kid and I would be with the other. I recall one time he came straight from the airport and rushed our eldest to a party. We hadn’t even had a chance to say hello properly.
Parties became painful once I had 2 kids. I hated always being away from 1 child and my husband, so we started becoming a bit more selective. For second kid we would accept the invitation to the first big party of the year, and then try to choose only 1 on a day, not all of them! Also we tried to limit them to kids my children actually play with (though Addison insists every kid to ever give her an invitation is her friend! lol)
So at this stage, parties take time, money, schedule co-ordination….in a nutshell, a lot of effort. I was really starting to groan with every invite received….. Also humbled me for all the times I only invited one sibling to my kid’s party. Sorry moms!
Third child
Three kids = three times more chances that there will be a party invite! My son recently started playschool and off the bat, the invitations started. We accepted the 2 that came through the last month as I thought that, not only for my child, but it’s a good opportunity to get to know the faces and parents as Adam will be at this school for the next 2yrs at least. However I left the last party feeling very disconnected from most of the parents. I am older than all of them as they’re mostly first timers, so there’s that. BUT also I was hurt, as the hostess did not offer us a thing to eat/drink, despite offering everybody around us.
This was a relaxed vibe party and due to it being an open family venue I took my other kids as well, intending to be responsible for their food and entertainment. I’m not sure if she thought if she offered me something, if I’d be taking the whole plate to feed all of them? I was really upset when I left and even as I type this. I thought why the hell did I give up OUR time to be here when we’re being treated this way? Hurt as I was, this party is the reason I am writing this post and why I have come to this decision. So in fact I thank that party.
The realisation
I really did not feel like doing anything on that specific day. I wasn’t feeling well and with my husband not working, we’re not financially able to buy 10 presents a week at this stage. We should have declined. Adam is 2yrs old and not at a stage where he is social and making a best friend. That will only start developing in primary school. We could have gone to a coffee shop and had the kids play there, spend some family time together. But instead I accepted an invite to a party where our presence and present was not appreciated.
This is nobody’s fault but my own I guess, but I am glad this experience has forced me to prioritise. I need to decide who the focus is and what’s important. Yes, I am more selective about invitations, but I still fell into the trap of accepting more than I should, thinking about the kids. Truth be told, if we don’t tell them about it, they’ll never know they missed it or what they missed out on. Especially not at 2. I know it seems shitty, because when Addison was 2, she was Miss Socialite…..living it up. Now the boys are bearing the brunt of hindsight. Unfortunately our circumstances have changed, and we need to think about the family unit as a whole. Also as moms and women, we say yes to things we really don’t feel like doing, because #PeoplePleasingProblems….just no more of that in 2018…. okay? I don’t say we are declining every party invite going forward, but I definitely will be accepting fewer of them 😉
What is the party policy in your home if you have more than 1 kid? Who gets preference? In our home it’s definitely Addison, being the oldest with more solid friendships (as solid as they can be at age 9) and also working around her weekend sports schedule. How do parties make you feel?
I just need to say though…..a huge shout out to the mom that does invite all the kids! I think I speak on behalf of all multiple kid moms when I say…..We always feel for you when you send that invitation and we appreciate the costs you take on to include all of us. <3
22 Comments
Vannah
Love this post… We can have instant parties at home with the money you’ll save on gifts ?
Simone
Lol….for sure! And I’ll offer you stuff….promise 😉
Dionne
COMMENT
This post has really made me ‘re think parties somewhat. In a good way! As we only moved to cape town (ok albeit 14years now lol) when we had our kids none or our cape town friends were parents yet. So while all my pe friends (around my age) were having kids and the parties started, we could never attend as we were so far away. So really the only parties we would ever go to were school friends. Bearing in mind they changed daycares 3 times each before they were 3…. this didn’t help in the making friends dept lol so parties were few and far between. Also Taylor is one of those who makes a few close friends. So we would get invited to those. But may be it’s not a thing (or maybe it’s us lol) but we not invited to many class parties. And for the most part this was ok with me. And then thade started school. And his generally a loner and struggled to make friends. And because of this his invites were even fewer. And it saddened me abit because he actually needed this. In order to come out of his shell. But then when we were invited he would cling to me like there’s no tomorrow and I would be thinking…. yep this is our last invite lol the last couple of years things have changed slightly as my close friends have become parents. And of course as Murphy would have it they literally all in the same month lol having said that this post has made me realise that not being invited to a party is ok. My kids are happy either way and every weekend for us is family time. Thank you!
Simone
Dionne I’m so glad the post made you feel a bit better about it. One can easily get sucked into the ‘Shit is my kid not popular enough’ sort of thinking…and it can actually make you as a parent feel crappy, but we’ve been excluded from enough parties for me to realise that my kids really don’t care. Addison will be the only kid in the hockey team not invited to the party and I used to wonder why….but she’d always be so level headed about it…there’s always a good reason (in her mind), and so what if she didn’t get invited? It bothered me way more than it bothered her.
And…..Family time…vs standing around with a bunch of people you sometimes have nothing in common with. There’s lots of reasons to be happy about not being invited to a party…LOL.
Melissa Javan
This is food for thought. My kid is two and we haven’t gotten invites from school yet; normally the parties are held at school which is something I love a lot. I have my weekends when I feel like it’s mine, I don’t want to always go out to people and buying presents – eisj my financial situation doesn’t allow it.
Simone
I think when the financial crisis hits like in our situations, this seems like a real unnecessary expense!
Fingers crossed you’ll be back on your feet soon Melissa. xxx
donna
oh my friend i so love this post… well i love any of them caus its real and relevant and you’re so blatently honest.. which ive always loved lol. i remember the days i would tell you i have 3 parties that we’re invited to and you would tell me its crazy and i have to choose… and not too long ago you were in that very same position… you always used to tell me you dont know how i do it.. needless to say I actually changed all that and I to have started choosing which ones we will attend only because its exhausting rushing from one party to the next and tat leaves you with crabby tired kids at the end of the day and no family time spent together. also its financially draining… being invited to so many parties is not always a good or “nice” thing… as for it being a sign of status… lol… in my case it definitely doesnt matter to me whether my kids are invited or not. you’re right.. if they dont know about the invite thats also ok. really a good post. soooo many can relate
Simone
But you seemed to enjoy rushing from one party to the next…. I just couldn’t understand why you’d do it. You just love being on the move…unlike me. lol.
donna
nee wag girl LOL … with 2 kids the dynamics have changed.. as much as I love being on the move with my family… the craziness that goes with that is something I (we) dont want… the enjoyment was surely caus it was a really good party where we all had fun lol. ♥ looking forward to the next post♥
Donna
We have very rarely received invites for two parties on one day, but when we have, I accept the invite received first because unfortunately I don’t have energy for 2 parties on one day. If it is on the same day for both kids at different times then we would probably split. I take one kid and Leigh takes the other. My kids don’t seem to be very popular though lol because on average we only have 1 kids party a month, if even. Perfectly fine with me though ?
Simone
Lol @ the unpopular kids! I agree, 2 parties on the same day….should not even be a thing.
Nicola Woods
Wow Simone – what an article – the struggle is real… I only have 2 and am quite happy to pass by an invite on the off chance that we are otherwise busy… although parties do seem fewer and further apart now as they get older and have their circle – and at the age where the have outgrown parties – this will be Rachel’s last till we hit the teenage years. Thanks for the heads up I will be sure to offer you some food at her party – in fact you will be the first to get ?
Simone
Nicola you made me laugh so hard now! I sound like I’m kos kwaad….lol, but I promise that wasn’t the case. BUt I’ll take you up on skipping the queue…ha ha 😉
ChevsLife
In pre-school my son probably got invited to most of the parties of kids in his class. Then primary school, things become more selective I think because the invitations decreased drastically and sometimes he would tell me so and so had a party and so and so went, but it was obvious that the invitation list was no longer all the kids in class but rather a handful of friends and when you also have the parent-clicks then you can bet your bottom dollar if you’re not part of that click you and your child will in all likelihood be left off the list. I only have one child so can’t comment on juggling many parties, but I can say that you reach a point where you focus more on the importance of the relationships that your child develop with the friends and it sucks when your child is invited to a party and they end up being “left out” because they’re not really friends with the kids at the party and it was more a case of let’s invite as many as possible.
Simone
The cliques are a very really thing! There’s so much politics in parenting these days….my parents had it easy. Lol.
I totally agree on the last point…. When the birthday kid barely acknowledges your child, because they actually aren’t even friends.
Definitely agree…. Focusing on good friendships is important.
MomOfTwoLittleGirls
Such good points! I also hate parties! You can never please everyone as the host, and as a guest you will almost always find something wrong! My overall pet hate of parties is that they are so expensive! SOOO unnecessarily and unappreciatively expensive! It’s madness!
Be picky I say, Be selective, be bold!
Simone
That is so true…no matter what you do, some asshole will find a way to insult your efforts. Whether you do flashy or not flashy…somebody has something to say.
Selective and picky….for the win! lol
MrsFF
No way were you treated like that at a party. That is just plain rude and disrespectful.
I rarely ever accept an invite to two parties on the same day. If we have multiple I make a decision based on which invite came first and who we are closer to. And I only have one kid. The only time I recall ever accepting an invite to two parties was because the venues were less than 10 mins apart and both friends were friends who always always attend our events plus I know at the one friend we would be there till late af night! Otherwise I choose carefully. And yes it does get very expensive and tiring. You can’t make everyone happy, added to that you would be exhausted too anyway
I know the focus of this post is not the thank yous but what actually infuriates me is when kids have parties (say maybe in school) and you send a present but there is no thank you from the Parents . And also those parents who don’t RSVP. Or those who say they will
Be there but don’t show up and don’t let you know they would not be coming 🙁
Simone
Unfortunately yes….like the mom literally u-turned 20cms away from me with whatever she was offering. And we were only about 6 or 8 families in total….so not like 100 people. Anyways….
I agree…a thank you goes a long way. There are really people that are very unconscious. I did a full on party at school and invited the parents. Birthday cake (not a cheap one), platters, punch…not one parent brought a gift or even sent one the next day.
People RSVP, don’t show up…or call and say they were on their way and their car breakdown. And I usually use venues where I pay per kid, so it’s really annoying that people don’t consider ones pocket.
I think we all have the same pet peeves…well at least those of us that know about good party etiquette! lol.
Eleanor Douglas-Meyers
Loved this. So true that we need to be more selective with our time. As a mom of one I do have a question though. You give an appology to Mom’s where you have only invited one kid…what is the protocol there anyway? I mean do I have to invite all the kids even if my son has never met his friends’ siblings? Do I have to pay for activities and party packs and the whole shebang for a 12 year old at a 5 year olds party. I’m genuinely out of the loop since it’s not something that comes up for us.Aidy really wants me to bring Caleb (his cousin) along to things, which is the closest to this dilemma but that’s not nearly the same thing…what’s the generally accepted “right thing” when it comes to bigger families. Help lol
Simone
Hey there
No you definitely do not invite the whole family and their cousins…lol. One just needs to be aware that if they say they cannot make it, it may be due to all the logistics mentioned. Shame no definitely not what I implied….I just added that some moms…they do invite all of my kids and I cringe, cause I’m like…Rxxx x 3….. okay we need to increase the gift budget for this one. lol.
Personally if it’s a party at home and I know a party pack costs me an extra R20…then it’s no biggie to include siblings….but obviously a venue that is R100 plus per kid, no you just pretend you don’t know they have other kids. Not your problem! lol.
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